


take a breath (or don't breathe)

by orphan_account



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Major Character Undeath, Tropes On Tropes On Tropes, all the tags yay, for real don't worry, honestly it's very sappy v happy ending like just look how short it is, only so much sad stuff can happen in a fic this short tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-26
Updated: 2017-02-26
Packaged: 2018-09-27 00:10:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,434
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9936230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: The demon sinks its arm deep into Magnus’s chest, claws protruding from the front of his ribcage, straight out of his heart. Alec stops breathing.





	

**Author's Note:**

> okay who the heck knows when this is set, at some point at which there is a battle between demons and Shadowhunters?? and Alec and Magnus have broken up? it's very vague and totally not the point of the story honestly just think of it as a really vague future fic or something idk i'm a mess

When Alec was younger, he was, through no fault of his own, incredibly clumsy. He was always bumping into things and tripping over cords and falling down stairs. He grew out of it, eventually, but not before he’d gotten used to hearing his mother yell: _can’t you be more careful,_ and _that was an antique, Alec,_ and he’d apologize, and try not to do it again. But he could never quite stop himself. He’d always go tumbling, and he’d see the collision before it happened - falling in slow motion, the prediction of the trajectory, the backwards echo of the smash. He’d think _I need to stop it,_ but he never could. It always hit the ground and it always shattered and his mother always yelled. That was just the way it went.

Alec is reminded of that feeling now, standing in the battlefield, quiver empty, sword stained opaque with demon blood. He sees death a moment before it strikes - he sees the dagger a second before it embeds itself in the medic’s shoulder, sees the demon claw the moment before it impales the soldier, sees the match light just before the field goes up in flames. He feels hopeless. Usually, this skill is a good thing, as an archer - he can send his arrows where they’re needed most urgently. But it doesn’t do anything when he’s got an empty quiver, doesn’t do anything when he’s standing here on a hilltop, helpless, running out of demons to kill.

“Alec,” Jace yells to him, voice swept away by the wind and the screams and the slicing of swords. “Don’t just stand there - give me some help over here!”

Alec turns to go towards him, gaze straying from the center of the battlefield to the edges, the fray. His gaze lands on Magnus, who is standing in the middle of a circle of fighters - Shadowhunters and demons, some battling to get to him, some ignorant of his presence. His eyes are closed, head tilted back, hands close together. He cups black fire between his palms, the same black fire that is dancing along the edges of the battlefield, shielding the portals from demons. A month ago, he would never have been able to sustain the magic. Now, though, with the spell he and Catarina had learned to cast, he is strong, twice as much as before, thrice as much. He is more powerful than anyone else on this battlefield, although the demons do not know it yet. He is the key.

(Alec thinks of his face in the moonlight, thinks of the way his voice had cracked when he said _I can’t do this anymore, Alec, not if you don’t feel the same,_ the fear that had rose in his gut, the nausea. Alec thinks of how beautiful Magnus looks, always so beautiful, thinks its not fair for someone to be as lovely as he is. Thinks its not fair that he can’t be mortal, that Alec can’t be immortal - thinks its not fair for God to tempt him, to give him perfection and love and beauty and for their circumstances to tear them apart. For Alec’s insecurities to tear them apart.)

“Alec!” Jace yells again, and Alec picks up his pace. Just as he begins to turn away, he sees it.

A red demon, darting through the circle of Shadowhunters surrounding Magnus. He has his long arm outstretched, claws sharp and poised, but Magnus’ eyes are still closed. The demon is coming up behind him. Nobody seems to notice but Alec.

Alec sees the vase falling. He hears his mothers voice. He feels the sting of cut glass.

The demon sinks its arm deep into Magnus’s chest, claws protruding from the front of his ribcage, straight out of his heart. Alec stops breathing.

For a moment, he swears the battlefield freezes. The black fire around the portals flicker. The demons are almost gone, almost vanquished - they have begun to retreat, saving their resources for their next battle, and Alec thinks _is this really it?_ He watches as a Shadowhunter slices the head off of the red demon and its body burns to ash. _Is this really it?_ And Alec watches as Magnus sags forward - knees to the mud, arms out at his sides, as though grasping for something far out of his reach. He slumps.

_Is this it?_

Alec doesn’t know what he’s doing before he’s sprinting - down the hilltop, away from Jace, away from the last few demons on their side of the battlefield. He runs, like a madman, with speed he didn’t know he possessed, straight towards where Magnus’s body lies. The black fire is still flickering, although much dimmer now, around the portals. Shadowhunters are flocking towards them - protecting the avenue home from the last few demons, the stragglers. The circle around Magnus begins to disperse.

 _No,_ Alec thinks. _No, no, no._  

He shoves through packs of fighters, sword at his side, slicing down those who get in his way. _Magnus,_ he thinks, and even in his own mind he sounds weak, broken. _Magnus._

He sinks down beside the body, throwing down his sword. _Please be alive, please be alive,_ he thinks, as he pulls Magnus’ torso onto his lap, one hand coming up to his neck to check his pulse. _Please. Please._

Silence. Alec’s hands begin to shake where they are pressed against Magnus’s limp neck and something inside of him breaks. _No. No._ It’s not supposed to be like this. Alec was supposed to die first. Alec was always going to die first. In every scenario, every universe -

_Except this one._

Alec thinks he might be making noise, but he’s not sure. The black flames have died out now, and he thinks maybe the demons have, too; everything around him is a blur of red blood and white clothing, human skin. _Magnus,_ Alec thinks, and there’s a hand on his shoulder he thinks might belong to Izzy.

“Alec,” she says. Her voice sounds far away, like he’s in a fishbowl, or suspended in a vacuum. “Alec, we have to go. The portals are closing."

 _No, no, no. I can’t leave him._ Alec isn’t sure whether or not he says it aloud. He thinks he can’t move.

“Alec, I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry Alec. But he’s gone. He’s gone you have to - we have to go.”

_No, he can’t -_

“I’m so sorry, Alec, but he is. _Please,_ Alec. Big brother. We have to go now. We have to go.”

Arms wrap around his shoulders, pulling him to his feet. He lets Magnus slip out of his arms. He looks very pale, lying in the mud - the hole in his chest very insignificant, the red of his blood very purple against his blue shirt. _I love you,_ Alec thinks, and Izzy says, “I know, Alec, I know,” and pulls him towards a portal to the Institute, a portal back to his old home. Maybe it will be his new home. Alec does not know what his life will be like without Magnus. Alec does not know if his life can even continue.

“I’m sorry, big brother, I’m sorry,” Izzy is murmuring, and they step through the portal, and they’re inside. And there’s no mud, and there’s no rain, and there is blood on Alec’s hands, and no Magnus.

“Come here, big brother, follow me.” Izzy pulls him down a hallway Alec thinks is filled with people. He can’t really tell. He’s not even sure if he can see. Everything is still grey and red and the image of Magnus’s body is still burned onto his retinas, the cruel twist of his mouth, the emptiness of his yellow eyes -

A door clicks behind them and Alec blinks. They’re in a room. He doesn’t recognize it. It’s very grey and white and dull. There’s a cabinet in one corner, and a chair. It’s very empty.

“Alec,” Izzy says, her voice immeasurably careful. Her hand cups his jaw and, slowly, he finds himself turning to look at her. There are tears in her eyes. “Alec, are you -“

“He wasn’t supposed to die before me, Izzy.” Even to himself, Alec’s voice sounds wrong - its very raspy. Very broken. His hand twitches. He can almost feel Magnus’s fingers in his own. “I was - I was supposed to die first.”

“Alec -“

“And we weren’t even together. We weren’t - how - I mean - we weren’t together. Because I was scared of his immortality.” A weak sort of laugh breaks its way out of Alec’s throat, turns into a sob halfway through. “We weren’t together, because I was scared of his immortality, and he didn’t think I loved him. And he goes and fucking - fucking _dies_ on me, he goes and fucking -“

Alec’s voice cracks and suddenly he can’t hold it in anymore. The wave of nausea building in his stomach breaks and he’s falling to his knees, reaching for a trash can, retching, gagging. Nothing comes up. Izzy kneels beside him, her small hand finds its way onto his back as she starts rubbing it slowly.

“Oh, big brother,” she murmurs, her voice pained, and Alec wants to fall apart. His dry-heaves start to shift into sobs - bone-shattering, stomach-aching sobs that make him want to stop existing, make him want to rise out of his body and displace himself. He can’t breathe. He shakes and he sobs and Izzy wraps her arms around him, murmuring softly. It should be reassuring, but isn’t. She’s too small, and too soft, and too _her,_ and he wants Magnus. He wants - he sees the dead body again, sees it in his mind eye and starts heaving again, and it goes back and forth like that for a while. Alec can’t stop himself.

Eventually his sobs fade into whimpers and then to tremors, and they fall back against the wall, him and Izzy; she wraps her arms around his shoulders, a hand in his hair, stroking. He rests his head on her shoulder. “I love him so much.”

“Oh, big brother,” Izzy says. “I know. Oh, I know.”

Eventually, he falls asleep like that, his face red and blotchy, eyes swollen. He thinks, just as he drifts off, that he wouldn’t mind not waking up.

-

Alec’s eyes open slowly. For a moment, they are bleary, unfocused. They flit around the room for a moment, landing on Izzy, Jace, before falling on Magnus. He stops moving.

Then Alec holds out his forearm to Izzy, eyes unmoving from Magnus’ face.

“I’m hallucinating,” he says, voice raspy and slow. “Give me a rune.”

Silence. Then Izzy reaches out, carefully taking Alec’s hand in her own. Her touch is gentle, warm. “You’re not hallucinating, Alec.”

Alec laughs, a broken sound, eyes not straying. “I don’t -“

“I’m not dead.”

Alec flinches visibly at the sound, a whole-body shudder. His hand tightens around Izzy’s.

“Alec,” Izzy says softly, “we can see him too.”

The room feels stale around them. Alec can taste bile in his throat. “I don’t -“

“Faking my death was the only way,” Magnus says. Alec feels like he can barely hear him, feels like everything is moving syrupy and slow. Magnus looks good - looks nothing like Alec last saw him. There’s no blood, no holes in his suit or his gut, no scratches on his face. He looks - healthy. Perfectly fine. “If I hadn’t pretended it was too much, they would know my true power, and the element of surprise would be gone. This way we keep that strategy alive - increase it, really. This way we can still win the next battle.”

Alec reaches out, one hand gripping Izzy’s shoulder, the other grasping for the table at his right. Laboriously, Alec pulls himself to his feet. His legs shake.

“Alexander -“ Magnus pauses. The room is very quiet. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, I just -“ Magnus chuckles a little, humorlessly. “I really didn’t think you’d care that much.”

For a long moment, no one does anything. Everyone’s eyes are on Alec - Izzy’s hand still on his shoulder, Jace looking ready to dart forward at a moment’s notice, and Magnus - Magnus. Looking very alive with some expression Alec can’t read but doesn’t much care about, because it doesn’t really matter if Magnus is still angry at him, it doesn’t really matter if Magnus never wants to see him again after today - because he’s _alive._

Alec stumbles forward, strides gaining momentum until he half-crashes into Magnus, his arms coming up tightly around his waist. He immediately buries his face in Magnus’s neck, his nose against his collarbone, and breathes deep. He smells like sweat and sandalwood and magic, and no blood. Alec is shaking all over.

Magnus’s arms come up around Alec’s back, tightly, holding him still. Alec pulls Magnus closer. Dimly Alec registers the sound of footsteps, a gently closed door, and he knows the room is empty aside from them. He still doesn’t move, simply breathing Magnus in, listening to his heartbeat.

When he does finally pull back, its just enough to put on hand on Magnus’s hip, the other on his jaw. "Of course I care, Magnus," Alec says, " _of course_ ," and then he kisses him. It’s slow, and so soft Alec thinks he might cry. Slowly, Alec strokes Magnus’s jaw with his thumb, his other hand so tight around Magnus’s hip he thinks he might bruise. When he breaks the kiss, Alec has to force himself to step back, moving against his every instinct.

He takes a deep breath, then another.“I know - I know I have no right to ask this. But, please - _please_ -“

Magnus interrupts him swiftly. “I won’t do it again. Not without letting you know first, at least.”

Alec sighs with ill-concealed relief. Magnus is looking at him strangely, with something like confusion, or maybe just interest. “I - I should -“ Alec moves to pull his hand away from Magnus’s jawline, but Magnus reaches up and grabs it midair. “Um -“

“Your hands are shaking,” Magnus points out, but he sounds quiet, understanding, rather than accusatory.

“Yeah, I, uh.” Alec swallows hard. There is a lump in his throat, and his voice is still thick. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to -“

“Darling,” Magnus says, the hint of a smile forming. “It’s fine.” His thumb rubs circles on the back of their connected hands. “I’m fine.” Magnus’s grip on Alec’s hip tightens, pulling him forward just a step - just enough to send him back into Magnus’s arms. Alec breathes deep, one hand settling on Magnus’s lower back, the other threading through his hair. He pulls Magnus close.

"Right," Alec says. "Right. Fine."

Deep breath.

**Author's Note:**

> yeah so again, i have no idea when this is set so i'm sorry about that, i hope you were able to get past it? any constructive criticism is greatly appreciated!


End file.
